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Archive for August, 2014

Summer’s End

In a few short weeks we will begin an new season and bid farewell to one of the hottest and muggiest summers I have ever experienced.  I have enjoyed the summer though I wish my kids and grandkids would have come for a visit.  I guess they are just too busy with their own lives and the trip here is too long for them.  I miss them and due to some health issues we have not been able to travel to see them.  Gets lonely without family.  My brother was going to come for a week or so but he had to cancel due to too many commitments on his part.  My sister has her own life and friends and not many days free to do much else. Sometimes I feel a empty as the prairie landscape out my front door.  If I do share my feeling with them the response is, “Well you chose to live there, besides it’s easier for you to travel than for us.  Empty words that feel  like a punishment for sharing my feelings.  This of course compounds and once again, every parenting misstep plays over and over in my mind until believe I deserve to be punished and shouldn’t expect or ask for anything from anyone ever.  

It is very lonely in soul and in my heart.  The one bit of happiness I allow myself is my sweet and loving husband.  I know of no other man that is as kind, gentle  and competent as him; no wonder I had a school girl crush on him.  I seem to have married the best parts of my dad. 

I did a family history for a paper when I was in college and it gave me such insight, understanding and empathy for them I understand the reasons for how we all got here and why our characteristics evolved to make who we are today.  It has been an long journey and I hope it is one that lasts a very long time.  I say this through reason and not emotion right now as I am desperately trying to keep it together and not disappearing from life.

Depression is a cruel illness and sadly not one that is curable, though it is treatable and I am in dire need of faster treatment.  The resources are too few and the pain is too deep.

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